To be ok.

Today I just want to be OK.

I am tired of feeling unwell.

I am tired of feeling different.

I am just tired.

I am tired of the endless mental strain of addiction,

constantly being surrounded by my old habits,

Saying no to socially acceptable alcohol

thus, creating a racket.

NO? Why not?

Tired of having to explain,

it’s none of your business,

it’s none of your pain.

I am tired of this endless pressure weighing on my chest,

like there is a part of me attempting to claw itself out,

and until then, I will never feel rest.

I constantly feel the weight, like I am about to suffocate.

I am tired of worrying.

about everything.

and everyone.

The earthquake across the world,

my friend is going through a divorce,

I am the sole support for a plethora of people,

there are so many people still sick and suffering from addiction.

We are literally responsible for destroying our planet, 

and have done so in less than a century.

There are so many problems that already have solutions.

But our continued through the generation’s, 1% chooses to line their pockets instead of save mankind.

I am tired of all the pain.

I am tired of all the sadness.

I am tired.

Can’t I not get a parking ticket today?

Or not simultaneously get splashed by an ongoing car?

I am tired.

Today, I just want to be OK.

Can I please just catch a break…

✌Gia Marie 2017 ©

 

 

Bang.

Bang.

Anytime a shot rings out,

The echo continues, while my heart stops.

Then races,

the sweat starts.

I can feel it in my inner being.

I am suddenly transported to a different place,

a different, younger version of myself.

You don’t have time to think,

it’s happening faster than a blink.

Protect your siblings first,

Call for help and save your father.

Then go find his curse.

With the same lack of emotion, she had when she pulled the trigger,

she is now on the phone planning something bigger.

I AM THE VICTIM.

A poor helpless woman she pleads.

While my father with bullets in his back

Lies in the grass and bleeds.

The lies continue to the paramedics, to the police.

Off to your Aunt’s you go, this was your father’s fault.

But, I know better.

I saw the pure hatred in your eyes,

right before you spread your lies.

She fooled them all,

but as soon as she finds her way to life’s gates,

will she stand so tall?

Suddenly the present is back,

where am I, am I ok?

It was just a car backfiring,

I guess I will be on my way.

✌Gia Marie 2017 ©

 

 

The art of the dance.

Surrounded by familiar faces,

Biting my tongue with such patience,

They disguise their disdain,

while I disguise my pain.

Fake smiles in every corner of my eye,

constant exasperated sighs.

Neither of us understands each other’s world,

but they make me feel so small, like a little girl.

Going straight back to the playground,

Watching the girl’s on the merry-go-round

“You’re cooler than me”

I thought then,

I think now.

There goes the girl with faded jeans straight from a trailer,

they only let her in, because it would be discrimination to fail her.

You can be smart, but you are still not a part.

Your scarred, childhood demeanor still shows through.

Your eloquent tongue accidentally silences,

and the fight for survival begins.

How do you calm the lion that still roars with anger from within?

Still holding onto hope, fighting desperately to win.

Every obstacle that has been triumphed thus far,

to be singularly smashed

with one glimpse of the past

exposing enough to be debarred.

You did it again, you’re supposed to hide that part.

You can not succeed in their world until you remember their art.

Fake smiles and passive-aggressive glances are your best chance,

to win their dance.

Stop the aggressive honesty,

you are a woman,

it is not welcomed, please act accordingly.

✌Gia Marie 2017 ©

 

 

 

 

Anxiety.

Anxiety can encompass the entire body in moments,

the world keeps moving, but you are still, suffocating.

Your mind cannot connect to your body to make your next move.

Your heart rate increases until you are sure you will collapse.

It’s too much.

You feel too much.

You just want to run to the closest hole and crawl inside.

No people, no noise, nothing.

Now you are sweating, it’s so hot.

Won’t someone turn on the air?

Who cares if it is Winter, you feel like you’re in a sauna.

Your mind is racing with every self-loathing thought you could possibly imagine.

Why did I say that? Were they laughing at me? WHY CAN’T I STOP ________.

Fill in the blank, because you have a million.

YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. 

the voice inside your head screams.

So, you frantically rush to find your hole.

To attempt to take control.

Sometimes this works,

sometimes it doesn’t.

Either way, it’s like your whole body feels nails on chalkboard enter your being.

Then, it could be over just like that.

I’d like to welcome you, to when anxiety attacks.

 ✌Gia Marie 2017 ©

 

 

Don’t Speak.

Don’t speak.

I remind myself day after day.

But, the vile words slither off my tongue at each sign of provocation.

It’s like my more primal instinct kicks in, and I scream..

: YOU WILL NOT: disrespect ME in that way.

Before I know it I am gasping to suck the words back in my mouth.

My eyes scream desperation for help.

I know.

I have done it again.

That bridge is now demolished.

And I am left with nothing but my slithering tongue.

and my pain.

My pain for knowing my sharp tongue is the self-destruction I bring on myself.

It is my curse.

It is my curse that I recognize, but cannot correct.

It could simply be cured if I were only to encounter respect.

✌Gia Marie 2017 ©

 

 

The lady from outer space.

I am weird. 

I embrace that reality.

But, I have gone most of my life just attempting to fit in. Now, I am sure that many people also spend the majority of their lives attempting to do this, but I often feel I must put in an extra effort. As if, people have a “weird-o-meter” and mine may cause theirs to raise to the top if I do not attempt damage control. I always feel like I come with one of those cautionary labels:

“WARNING: YOU ARE NOW APPROACHING A PERSON UNLIKE OTHERS < USE CAUTION“, I imagine it would read.

I have come to realize that most of the case studies I have reviewed for my undergraduate and graduate studies are less complex than my very own life. This makes it hard to want to dissect someone else’s when I could see my story under the projector next. My life’s complexity is also the very reason I have the ability to empathize with people on a level others in my profession will have a harder time attaining. So, for this, I rejoice. But, it is so hard to watch a classroom full of people who have never themselves experienced any of what we discuss, decide how people should handle these situations. I have exercised a great amount of patience with this emotional trigger over the last several months, but I came to an emotional place, where I was unable to do this lately. It has caused a shitstorm to say the least. I am now facing expulsion due to “unprofessionalism”. Was I unprofessional in these instances? Absolutely. Is this something I am trying so hard to work on? Yes. But, a change of professional demeanor is not something that happens overnight. Let me also voice that my professional demeanor only falters, when provoked. Unfortunately, it does not take much to provoke it, if I am already emotional. But, when someone talks to me so condescendingly it is really hard for me to take it.

It’s been brought to my attention that I am aggressive in these instances. 

I would prefer, passionate. If we needed to call it something, but they have used the word aggressive, a lot. 

Do I have flaws? I have all the flaws. I am insecure, I have abandonment issues, I have an explosive temper that I am consistently working on, I talk too much, I talk with my mouth full (occasionally).

So, no I am not perfect.  But, for some reason, my flaws appear to outweigh my good qualities within this Academic world. I can read the disdain on each face as I open my mouth to speak among my peers.

So today I am quiet. 

I was informed this summer of more information about my late grandmother. I had never had the pleasure of knowing her, but I had heard lots of stories. When I was visiting some relatives we took the time to look through old photo albums and newspaper clippings. It would appear that my grandmother had a very similar feeling to my own.

So this makes me wonder, will I ever feel that I fit in. 

My sister moved half-way across the country to see if she could find a population niche in which she could be content. What will it take for me? I believe that I will follow in my grandmother’s footsteps when she said, she felt she was from outer space. Since it so often feels that way when I am put in a group scenario.

 ✌Gia Marie 2017 ©

 

Overdose. Enough is enough.

Tonight my heart aches as I think of how many people I have lost during my 20s. Tuesday night I received a phone call informing me yet another one of my classmates, that I had known since middle school, had passed on. I had not seen her in a couple years, but we were relatively close in my late teens and early 20s. She ran in the same crowd I did, and continued to through the years. It was another drug overdose. My hometown county has suffered an incredible amount of loss in the last few years due to opiate overdoses. I have now come to realize that very few of the people that I hung out with prior to my sobriety (I will celebrate 5 wonderful years March 14th) are alive, and if they are, they are using opiates. Opiates were becoming increasingly popular towards the end of my drug years, but I was never one for a downer. I was more like, “life of the party” type, who enjoyed dancing and uppers. But, this realization has taken a drastic effect on me. I feel guilty for escaping this circumstance, for making it out. I feel guilty, for every success that I have acquired since then. I know this is not necessary, and I should not feel this way, but none the less, I do. It does, however, ignite the fire within to a blazing glory, where it has yet only been a campfire. I will help those who are still sick and suffering from the disease of addiction. They will get to experience the second chance that I was granted in this life. I am blessed beyond words for the ability to have a second shot. I am SO THANKFUL that I made it OUT. But, how can I help those I left behind? I will continue on my path upward, I will continue advocating for the voices that go unheard in that county and my current one. I would love to find an incredible, preventative method to stop this epidemic from continuing. I KNOW due to hours-upon-hours of research on the opiate epidemic, several papers, and several presentations that my county does not stand alone with this issue.  WHY ARE WE NOT TALKING ABOUT IT. WHY DO WE CONTINUE TO TRUST THE ANSWER IS OPIATES FOR PAIN MANAGEMENT. WHY are we not paying attention to the pharmaceutical company pockets that are getting lined by the deaths of our loved ones. WHY has this not been declared a state of emergency by the CDC?! I intend on making this a household conversation, enough is enough. Something has to be done. So, what can you do? Write your legislature, talk to your schools, talk to local social workers, seek out addiction specialists and non-profits. Join together, talk about it, the dangers of it. EDUCATE the masses on the addictive properties of controlled substances. Get a second opinion, when seeing a doctor. This epidemic is not something that effects “low-lives” as people tend to stigmatize, but the actual highest percentage of users are middle-class white males. (I would be happy to provide academic journals demonstrating this upon request) They start out on prescription opiates than they become addicted, they move to non-prescription opiates (they lost their prescription) and graduate to heroin due to the expensive cost of the pill form. Doctors are literally prescribing pills that are stronger than heroin, does no one see what’s wrong with that picture?

*For more information about current drug use in America visit:

National Institute of Drug Abuse

✌Gia Marie 2017 ©

 

Terror of the Night

I wake up drenched in sweat,

my knuckles bare white,

grasping the soaked sheets tight.

Rise straight up while gasping for air,

engulfed by the dark,

My chest rising with my fast beating heart,

what the hell just happened?

am I home, am I OK?

The moonlight gleams into the room,

I recognize things around me soon.

I am OK, I am in bed.

Another lost memory buries deep in my head.

See you tomorrow terror of the night,

I’ll remember this time,

I’ll conquer you.

I will not give up the fight.

No more sweat beads on my hair,

no more waking with feelings of despair.

This time I will not wake and feel so grim.

This time terror of the night I will win.

                   ✌Gia Marie 2017 ©

 

Alive at last.

I love the sound of my feet pounding on the pavement,

the way my warm breath caresses my face in the cold,

this feeling for me will never get old.

I am alive! I think as I look at the sun gleaming on the grass,

alive at last.

My mind wanders from limb to limb as each branch streaks the blue sky.

I am free in these perfect moments, so I let out my most excited sighs.

Every worry, every anxiety, every fear..

shake off with each step and disappear..

The mundane day-to-day tasks do not offer this form of exhilaration.

So each day I wait with anticipation,

Will it rain today? Will it snow, will it be warm enough to go?

Will I get to feel the sunlight embrace my cheeks?

Will I be able to run for a distance, or will I be too weak?

Each run is different and only the perfect moment will tell,

which if any or all of these are true…

I cannot wait to hear my feet pound the pavement again.

I cannot wait to feel my warmth breath caress my face in the cold.

Hopefully, tomorrow will be the perfect storm for my perfect moments.

✌Gia Marie 2017 ©

United We MUST Stand. Yayy Trump. -_-

Sometime in your twenties, you will just be moseying through life when one day you wake up and the world is a little bit crueler. You look out the window to the gray rainy day before you, to remember that Donald Trump just became president. It is an appropriate day of weather for such a dreary thought. You realize that a man who holds the same beliefs that were left behind in the 1950s. Racist beliefs, misogynistic beliefs, homophobic beliefs are held by the man who is supposed to be one of the greatest rulers in the world. A man that is supposed to be written about in history books that our children will read and grandchildren after them. You realize that as a child, the idealistic notion of the great men who honored the country as our president, may not have been all that true. You realize people whom you thought were supposed to stand for the principles of freedom and world peace, were actually more interested in warfare and crude oil. They have no interest in their fellow man, but rather the next move they can make to line their pockets. This can be said to be about true for both parties. For most all politicians. You wake up to realize that things are not as “black and white” as they had always seemed. There was a fine line between “good and evil” and not everyone fit completely on one side or the other. You realize you may not agree with your parents and watch others your age do the same. You watch it deteriorate entire families relationships. You watch it destroy friendships. You wonder how people can still see things so black and white when everything is not that simple. You attempt to educate people on the detriment of working against another, only to be met with more discontent. Why is it so hard for generations to see eye to eye. Why must one insist on there being a right and wrong? Why can people not see the relativity of opinions? Especially, when political factions can change within 5 years of one another. One may swing hard left at age 30 and hard right at 40, only to swing back to left at 50. It is not worth burning bridges or buildings over for that matter. By swinging against each other we are turning a blind eye to watch bills are being signed today. What new bills are being introduced, what is happening in your local community? Where can you really make a difference today? Instead of battling someone over social media, why not go out and do something nice for someone. Why can we not attempt to win this way? Ok, so Donald Trump is our president. That is pretty mind boggling and about as bleak as it gets for someone who stands on a daily basis for social justice issues. But, whining about it on Facebook is not going to get anywhere. I am in awe instead of all of the beautiful people who marched today, all around our country, all around the world. I am in awe of the peaceful demonstrations that stood for love, peace, and equality. I am saddened by those who chose to retaliate against peaceful protestors with violence and those protestors who also acted out in violence. This is not the way my brother and sisters, united is the only way we will get through this as a Nation. We have stood tall as a Nation during many events during history, let us not consider this to be any different. May God Bless the United States of America. United We Must Stand. 

✌Gia Marie 2017 ©