Have Faith in the darkest of times..

(*Sub note, I by no means say that God must be your answer to this, I say that whatever it is your faith involves, whether it’s in yourself or worshipping a unicorn, replace where God is mentioned for the same effect, I just find my faith with him)

Thank God for each difficulty you face. Even if it seems so many surround you you are overwhelmed. Lean on your faith. I am personally asking, “Well, OK God, this isn’t the most ideal situation, but what it is that I need to learn from this? Why did I need to experience this to grow?” No matter how bad the circumstances are. The larger the load you carry and the longer you carry it, the stronger you become. So, THANKS, BE TO GOD for my current pain and heartache. THANKS, BE TO GOD that I have the strength through Christ to stand up for what I believe, despite what that costs me. I will never falter my morals to stand with the “IN CROWD” that is just simply not who I am. No matter how many situations I stand alone in, I know I have the Lord to guide me. I do not normally post these things, and I recently feel that I went from “Positive Princess” on Facebook, to “Negative Nancy”. For this, I apologize, but we must all accept our circumstances before moving forward. This is me, accepting. Thanks are to God for waking me up to another beautiful day, meanwhile my heart aches for so many who have not. My heart aches for their loved ones who will never be able to fill the void the loved one left behind. The love that they will never be able to give that person again. Our own selfishness of them not being there for our momentous life moments. Our selfishness of wanting them to have to stay to continue to suffer, despite them being called to the home, we will all eventually (well most) be called to, eventually. So, I ask, what are we to learn from these continued tragedies? What is the message? We cannot let our loved ones continue to die in vain. Ok, random long post over. Doubt many will read, but it felt nice to air this. Sorry, for those of you who find these types of posts “too heavy”…. keep scrolling! I should be back to the Princess of positivity soon. A couple more self-realizations to come before doing so. Peace out, and I thank all of my support-system, there are many days I may have decided to not be here, without you guys ❤ BE THAT SUPPORT FOR OTHERS, my friends, ❤

✌Gia Marie 2017 ©

Tragedy on a loop.

Tragedy is not a contest,

But, if it were, I might be able to compete.

My life is one tragedy after another,

on repeat.

It finds me no matter how far I run.

No matter how many times I scream, “I’M DONE!”

I cannot take anymore!

Can I not just breathe a normal breath of air?

I do not ask for this despair,

Each time I ache just the same.

Each time it’s harder to bear the pain.

I feel like the weight of the world rests upon my shoulders,

I look in front of me and I can only see more boulders.

I am afraid soon I will break.

My heart can only withstand so much weight before it dissipates.

✌Gia Marie 2017 ©

Stand back.

Who I am, depends.

It depends on tomorrow,

what is my next trial?

upcoming lesson?

I will grow this way or that.

Depending on each decision,

increasing in precision.

Making my life worth living.

Here comes one more tribulation…

can I not get an emotional vacation?

I cannot handle another death..

I am running out of tears,

there are almost none left.

What is the next test?

One more stab from a stranger,

never running out of danger.

Occasionally this evolves into anger.

Before I take another step,

I must take a deep breath…

✌Gia Marie 2017 ©

Endless battle.

“You only are because of your pretty face”,

I’ve heard from a thousand women,

moving from place to place.

Please, darling, don’t get in a twist,

I have learned over the years that I just have to exist,

to receive the up and down, from each girl in whatever town.

The primary reason for success,

is from hard work, nothing less.

I exercise my brain and put it to the test.

Ending mentally exhausting days,

with physical exercise for balance and play.

My only intention is to remain mentally and physically fit.

Your seething hatred is your own hindrance, positivity is your way to acquit.

Please join me in the empowerment of all women alike.

Why must it always be a competition,

always a fight?

✌Gia Marie 2017 ©

 

Tainted Hero’s.

 

Lifelong heroes.

are no longer victorious.

faltering between the lines of good and bad.

Black and white.

Smoke and lights.

Who to believe..

who has deceived.

Heroes thought to be the mirror of righteousness

are tainted with sins that defy every preconception

I no longer know my direction.

I now realize that Superman & Batman,

are actually a cross between Lex Luther and the Joker.

A gamble, no different than poker.

If the only people I could be certain were good,

just are not.

what then.

is the world really just this bad?

There is not good left?

Or is this my final test?

Can I handle my bubble popped?

My world stopped?

Holding on to memories of a simpler time.

Before I understood.

That even the best of the best,

can turn out to be, not good.

✌Gia Marie 2017 ©

 

 

 

 

 

To be ok.

Today I just want to be OK.

I am tired of feeling unwell.

I am tired of feeling different.

I am just tired.

I am tired of the endless mental strain of addiction,

constantly being surrounded by my old habits,

Saying no to socially acceptable alcohol

thus, creating a racket.

NO? Why not?

Tired of having to explain,

it’s none of your business,

it’s none of your pain.

I am tired of this endless pressure weighing on my chest,

like there is a part of me attempting to claw itself out,

and until then, I will never feel rest.

I constantly feel the weight, like I am about to suffocate.

I am tired of worrying.

about everything.

and everyone.

The earthquake across the world,

my friend is going through a divorce,

I am the sole support for a plethora of people,

there are so many people still sick and suffering from addiction.

We are literally responsible for destroying our planet, 

and have done so in less than a century.

There are so many problems that already have solutions.

But our continued through the generation’s, 1% chooses to line their pockets instead of save mankind.

I am tired of all the pain.

I am tired of all the sadness.

I am tired.

Can’t I not get a parking ticket today?

Or not simultaneously get splashed by an ongoing car?

I am tired.

Today, I just want to be OK.

Can I please just catch a break…

✌Gia Marie 2017 ©

 

 

Bang.

Bang.

Anytime a shot rings out,

The echo continues, while my heart stops.

Then races,

the sweat starts.

I can feel it in my inner being.

I am suddenly transported to a different place,

a different, younger version of myself.

You don’t have time to think,

it’s happening faster than a blink.

Protect your siblings first,

Call for help and save your father.

Then go find his curse.

With the same lack of emotion, she had when she pulled the trigger,

she is now on the phone planning something bigger.

I AM THE VICTIM.

A poor helpless woman she pleads.

While my father with bullets in his back

Lies in the grass and bleeds.

The lies continue to the paramedics, to the police.

Off to your Aunt’s you go, this was your father’s fault.

But, I know better.

I saw the pure hatred in your eyes,

right before you spread your lies.

She fooled them all,

but as soon as she finds her way to life’s gates,

will she stand so tall?

Suddenly the present is back,

where am I, am I ok?

It was just a car backfiring,

I guess I will be on my way.

✌Gia Marie 2017 ©

 

 

The art of the dance.

Surrounded by familiar faces,

Biting my tongue with such patience,

They disguise their disdain,

while I disguise my pain.

Fake smiles in every corner of my eye,

constant exasperated sighs.

Neither of us understands each other’s world,

but they make me feel so small, like a little girl.

Going straight back to the playground,

Watching the girl’s on the merry-go-round

“You’re cooler than me”

I thought then,

I think now.

There goes the girl with faded jeans straight from a trailer,

they only let her in, because it would be discrimination to fail her.

You can be smart, but you are still not a part.

Your scarred, childhood demeanor still shows through.

Your eloquent tongue accidentally silences,

and the fight for survival begins.

How do you calm the lion that still roars with anger from within?

Still holding onto hope, fighting desperately to win.

Every obstacle that has been triumphed thus far,

to be singularly smashed

with one glimpse of the past

exposing enough to be debarred.

You did it again, you’re supposed to hide that part.

You can not succeed in their world until you remember their art.

Fake smiles and passive-aggressive glances are your best chance,

to win their dance.

Stop the aggressive honesty,

you are a woman,

it is not welcomed, please act accordingly.

✌Gia Marie 2017 ©

 

 

 

 

Anxiety.

Anxiety can encompass the entire body in moments,

the world keeps moving, but you are still, suffocating.

Your mind cannot connect to your body to make your next move.

Your heart rate increases until you are sure you will collapse.

It’s too much.

You feel too much.

You just want to run to the closest hole and crawl inside.

No people, no noise, nothing.

Now you are sweating, it’s so hot.

Won’t someone turn on the air?

Who cares if it is Winter, you feel like you’re in a sauna.

Your mind is racing with every self-loathing thought you could possibly imagine.

Why did I say that? Were they laughing at me? WHY CAN’T I STOP ________.

Fill in the blank, because you have a million.

YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. 

the voice inside your head screams.

So, you frantically rush to find your hole.

To attempt to take control.

Sometimes this works,

sometimes it doesn’t.

Either way, it’s like your whole body feels nails on chalkboard enter your being.

Then, it could be over just like that.

I’d like to welcome you, to when anxiety attacks.

 ✌Gia Marie 2017 ©

 

 

Terror of the Night

I wake up drenched in sweat,

my knuckles bare white,

grasping the soaked sheets tight.

Rise straight up while gasping for air,

engulfed by the dark,

My chest rising with my fast beating heart,

what the hell just happened?

am I home, am I OK?

The moonlight gleams into the room,

I recognize things around me soon.

I am OK, I am in bed.

Another lost memory buries deep in my head.

See you tomorrow terror of the night,

I’ll remember this time,

I’ll conquer you.

I will not give up the fight.

No more sweat beads on my hair,

no more waking with feelings of despair.

This time I will not wake and feel so grim.

This time terror of the night I will win.

                   ✌Gia Marie 2017 ©